Big Day Tomorrow!

Well, I start my Fieldwork for school tomorrow. And I must admit, I am really nervous. I've been thinking about it for the last couple of days and each time I think about it today, I get a little flutter in my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited on one hand because this means I am that much closer to graduation.. But, since I've been out of school for the last three weeks and had time just to lounge around the house, etc. I'm nervous about jumping back into a school related thing. Not to mention that I will have my own case load of patients and be responsible for carrying out their treatments. Ahhhh... that is so much to take in!

I know that I can do it, but man, I am just super nervous. So, think about me tomorrow.. on my first day.. :)

Wow, I am really sick.

I haven't been this sick in a long time.. Chrisitan's had the whole coughing and congestion mess, so I thought that's what I was getting a couple of days ago.. But nope, I'm thinking I may have the flu. I feel like I have been hit by a Mac truck. My whole body aches, I have a headache, it feels like a fever, and my chest hurts so bad from congestion. Whatever it is, it sure is kicking my butt-- big time.
To top it off, we are only 2 days before Christmas and I have three appointments today- a bone density scan, a chiropractor appointment, and a dentist appointment. And none of these can be rescheduled because today is my last chance to do them all before I start my Fieldwork on Monday.
I'm trying to force some oatmeal down and then I'm going to take some medication.. I have a little over an hour before I have to leave..

Edited Plan

First off, I know my last post had, shall we say, some choice language? I had thought of later editing it to take out some of it, but decided not to. After all, this is my blog to record my feelings and my journey. Those were my feelings, so they are staying there.

Ok, so I had another phone call with the RE office today. We are going to wait until the first of June to start injectables and IUI. Realistically, there would be no way, with my upcoming school schedule, to make it to appointments for monitoring, etc.

So... here's the timeline.
-Christian graduates in March and will get another, higher paying job, which will help out IF fund.

-I graduate in mid May.

-We are planning a cruise to go on in mid May to celebrate our gradation on starting IF treatment.

-June: Head first into the treatments and hope we don't have to wait long to get pregnant.

I have 5 months until we start treatment. So, what's my plan? To eat better and start working out. To get in the best shape of my life. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. That's my plan.

My life fucking sucks.

So, I am having myself a pitty party and I, wholeheartedly, believe that I am entitled to it. I finally got a call back from the RE.

Not. Good. News. I don't know how much longer I have the strength to keep dealing with this.
And of course, I got off the phone and realized I didn't ask her some other important questions because I was basically in shock.

So... There is no way, no how that I will get pregnant without intervention. Ok, sure, we knew that. But I was told that there is also no way, no how that I will get pregnant by oral fertility meds. Nope, people, this Mama (or lack of) will not be a Clomid success story.

She wants me to go straight to injectables. Shots. And lots of them. And then she wants us to do the IUI with the injectables cycle. Price you may ask? Injectables- $3k a cycle. IUI- Oh, about another $2k with monitoring, etc. She also wants me to go and have a bone density scan and said that I would have to take additional, daily, shots throughout my pregnancy for the blood disorders that I have. I also need Estrogen as part of my treatment, but due to my blood disorders, I cannot have Estrogen given to me via medication.

What. the. Fuck. Why, on God's green Earth does my life have to be so hard?

Some may ask, am I being mellow dramatic? Nope. Not at all. Trust me, if you knew my life story, you would feel me. You would completely understand.

She wants me to stop the brain tumor medication because she said it is not delivering the hormones needed for me to start a period.. which goes with the whole thing that no pills are going to help me. But, the important question I failed to ask was, if I stop taking this medication, how the hell is my tumor going to continue to be treated?

Also, there is no way that I can do injectables right now... One, I don't have an extra $5k laying around (for one cycle!!) and two, I can't go in for monitoring each week with my Fieldwork schedule of leaving the house by 6:45am and not getting home until after 6:00pm, Monday thru Friday.

So, I'm going to call her back tomorrow (and will probably get charged for another phone consultation) and ask her what I need to do to treat this tumor and deal with my other issues until I can start injectables and do the IUI procedure, which won't be until May after I graduate.

I am one fucked up case, that's for sure. And those weren't the EXACT words of the Doctor, but they were pretty damn close.

Alrighty then...

It is now 4:37pm, with no call from the RE. I called the office and guess what? They close at 4:30. So, there's no one that I can speak to about it to see if she's going to talk with me about it today or what... I'm glad that I put Mason in his crate so that the house could be quiet, wrote out a list of questions, and have been sitting here for 45 minutes.

Ok, so here's the deal..

No COBRA it is. After thinking it through and listening to opinions, it didn't seem like the best option. Plus, I was able to get a phone consultation scheduled with the RE, instead of physically going into the office. So, that's fantastic. I don't have to worry about any "surprise" tests they want me to take right then and there. This way, if they want me to come in, I'll have to schedule it and know exactly what they want done and how much it will cost.

I am actually waiting on her call as I type.. They set the consultation for sometime around 4:00pm, so it should be any minute now. For some reason, I am strangly, very nervous and have a sick feeling in my stomach. I guess just the whole roller coaster of trying to figure out when I will actually start the fertility meds, how much it will cost, the monitoring involved with it, etc. Then, throw in the fact that my Fieldwork for school starts the week after next, which would prohbit any appointments during the day for 8 weeks. Then I have one week off and 8 more weeks following that. Kinda hard to be dealing with all of this infertility mess when I have no time to go in for monitoring, etc. So, this phone conversation is going to determine quite a bit when it comes to what our next steps are.. I wish she would call already before I throw up all over my keyboard from the nervousness.

Help me think logically

I posted this on some boards that I frequent, but can use any advice I can get. Here's the deal:

I just got off the phone with my fertility Dr's office and they want me to come in for another consultation, which could cost anywhere from $70-$300 just to physically sit down with the Dr. and talk to her about the furture plans and treatments.

Then, if they decide on blood work, it's $X amount (could run a few hundred dollars) and an ultrasound to check for cysts and my other issues (another few hundred dollars).
So, I'm running the chance of leaving that Dr. office with a bill of $900+ (which has to be paid that day before I walk out of the office). Or I could go and just talk to the Dr. and have bloodwork and only have a $300 bill to pay that day.

The problem is 1) that there is no way to know what the Dr. will want done. I have called the Dr.'s office several times and there is no way to know until the Dr. sits down and talks to me and then determines what (if any) additional tests she wants done that day.

2) I got layed off from work a few months ago. I just got a letter this week, saying that I can do COBRA insurance, which would cost me $300 a month. But, in order to reinstate it (which I can do the first of January), I would have to pay back payments since I got layed off and even though I techincally didn't have coverage. So, from 10/31. So, I'd have to pay November, December, and January, which is $900 and then $300 a month from there on out.

So... Do I risk NOT doing the COBRA and going to my appointment and it only being $300, which whatever amount it is, must be paid out of pocket that day... or do I pay the $900 to reinstate my old insurance, which ONLY CONVERS DIGANOSITC TESTING, but NO infertility coverage. Technically, I have already been diagnosed as infertile. But since, they have to do regular MRIs (brain tumor), blood tests (2 blood disorders), ultrasounds (check for cysts, etc.), and pap exams (tenderness associated with the endometriosis/cysts), they can code it as not being strictly for infertility. But, for how long this will fly, I have no idea.. and they can't tell me that either.

Plus, I don't know how much longer I can ride out them submitting it to insurance because best case scenerio, the tumor keeps shrinking, which will hopefully start my cycles back up, and I will start fertility meds, which no matter what are 100% out of pocket and that $900 can go towards that. And anything from that point on is infertility related and all is 100% out of pocket-- all tests, etc.

Ahhh... any advice? My brain hurts from trying to logically figure this all out.
I am so sick of all of this mess... This damn infertility mess sucks!!

The tumor shrunk!!

I got a call from the RE's office. The pituitary gland tumor has shrunk since the last MRI, which was about 4 months ago.

The last results showed that the tumor was 7 by 7. These results are now showing 3.8 by 6! So, it's shrinking.. Let's hope that it continues to shrink.. It sucks taking the medication because it makes me feel sick, but as long as it's working, I'll continue popping the pills! :)

New stuff happening

I bought a new (to me) car yesterday. It's a 2005 Ford Escape and I LOVE it! It's a really pretty blue color. The only cars that I have had are smaller ones- my Eclipse and my Civic. So, driving an SUV is a change, but I really like it. I'm a small person, so this makes me feel a little bigger. LOL

I meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow and am going to pick up our Christmas cards. I couldn't decide if I wanted to fool with them or not, but I worked on some photo cards and I think they'll turn out really good. Now comes the task of addressing all of the envelopes and actually getting them mailed out. There's also a few gifts that I need to go ahead and send out. I can't believe that Christmas is right around the corner!

I'm getting a little nervous about my MRI on Thursday. And just typing that reminded me that I need to call in another precription. I have been meaning to do that for a few days now and keep forgetting. So, I am now currently on hold with Walgreens..

Fantastic! She said that she will fax over a refill form to my RE. That was easy enough.

I've got to run by the school tomorrow and drop of some paperwork to be sent off to my fieldwork site. I need to do that before I go to lunch.

Thursday's going to be my busy day-- We are dropping Christian's car off at the shop to have the brakes done, then I'm going to my MRI that morning, then a chiropractor appointment, then we've got to go pick Christian's car up after he gets off work, and then I'm going to dinner with a friend! Talk about busy! :)

I also started painting our "extra" room. This will eventually be a baby's room, but for now, it's the guest room/work out room. I'm hoping to buy a treadmill soon to put in there, as I need to get into shape. We're also transforming one of the downstairs rooms into an "entertainment room" or as Christian's likes to call it, the "MAN CAVE". Yeah, ok.. whatever. LOL We're getting a big screen TV to put down there this weekend and he's putting up a surround sound.

We've got lots of little projects going on around the house, but have a finish date of 12/27. I start my Fieldwork that week, so things need to be in order!

On another note, Mason graduated from his first set of classes last night. He did great. We'll be starting the next set in a month or maybe a little more. It just depends on when the trainer starts another one, what day it's on, and where.

Guess this blog entry has gotten long enough. I'm waiting for Christian to get home from school so that we can watch some shows we have recorded.

MRI is scheduled..

..For next Thursday. They are going to see if the tumor has shrunk. When I spoke to my RE's Nurse, she said they suspect that I am going to be on the medication for a long period of time... which says to me that they don't have confidence that it has shrunk. :(

I'm really hoping that the MRI results show differently.

Today sucks.

Plain and Simple. Today totally sucks.

It's my birthday and doesn't feel "special" at all. DH has been at work all day and will be in class all night. I had to go to the Dr. this morning and then run some errands. I've been home working on a few last assignments before the semester ends. Guess that just happens as you get older.

I called to schedule my MRI.. and got the news that the medicine I am on for my brain tumor.. well, I thought that I would be done with it in 9 days.. Nope.. According to my RE, they think I am going to be on it for quite a long time. I will go for my MRI next week and see if the tumor has shrunk any. If it hasn't, I don't know what I am going to do. This whole infertility mess is really starting to take it's toll on me. I'm tired of feeling sick all the time, I'm tired of the mood swings, I'm tired of always feeling tired.... I do not feel like myself at all.

I was expecting a check today from an investment account I have. After fees and taxes were taken out, the check is $3,000 less than what I thought it would be. Needless to say, there's no point in really even having the amount of the check. It's not going to do much good.

Christian's company is not doing Christmas bonuses this year.. First year that they haven't done them. But, I would rather him be able to keep a job by them not doing lay offs.

I feel like I'm on the verge of tears.. I just don't know what to do. Since my accident, I am still waiting for things to be settled.. and since my car was totalled, I don't have a car. It's really hard sharing a car when my Husband works during the day, goes to school at night, and I am in school during the day. Not to mention that Mason has classes on Monday nights, I have Dr's appointments twice a week, and the other normal, day to day errands that need to be ran.

Ahhhhh.... And I have to leave here in an hour to take Mason to his class. It's freezing cold, rainy, and snowing on and off... And all I want to do is lay on the couch in front of the fireplace. But I can't even do that because my chimney needs to be cleaned out, so I can't light a fire for fear of burning my house down.

With the way my luck is going, I better not take any chances...

It's my birthday (in 40 minutes).

... And I am having a hard time. It'll be my my 24th birthday... This is the first birthday since I was 12 that I will not have my little parakeet, Kiwi to share it with. Yes, he was "just" a bird, but having him for almost 12 years... he was there as I grew up. He passed this August and I cried that day like crazy, but tonight, it has hit me again.. I am just so sad. I think that part of the reason is that my Papa bought Kiwi for me for my 12th birthday and he passed away this summer as well.

Plus, this birthday just marks another time in my life that I thought I would already have a child or be pregnant. I always knew I wanted kids earlier on.. This whole infertility thing is taking a toll on me and this birthday is just brining reminders that are making me sit here in bed and cry.

Plus, my birthday will be spent with pretty much just myself and the boys at home. I have some errands to run tomorrow morning and then I have to take Mason to his training class. Christian has his first class of his last quarter, so he can't miss it. He probably won't be home until late.. Maybe not until after I am already in bed..

Hopefully, I'll be feeling better when I wake up in the morning.

Doesn't this sound lovely?

I was doing a little research on the type of tumor that I have and ran across this discription on a site: "The pituitary gland is located in the middle of your head , below your brain and behind your eyes. She underwent surgery and the tumor was removed. The miraculous technique involved going up her nose and punching a hole into her brain cavity. The tumor was them sucked out."

Sounds fantastc, huh? While yes, I understand that there are worst procedures to have done than this, the thought that this may be a possibility for me makes me sick. I go for another MRI in about two weeks. And I really, really, really hope that for once in this entire TTC journey, something goes right for us. This tumor has got to shrink! After all, the medication has not been a walk in the park. For example, my little brother was staying the night last night (he's 15). I changed into pajamas and took my make-up off. I had made a comment earlier about how the medication has made my face break out a lot since being on it. When he saw me, he commented on it (not in a mean way or anything).. He then knew I was getting ready to take my medication and wanted to see it. He said, "Mom says it makes you feel like you have morning sickness all the time. What is morning sickness?" So, I explained it to him and said I basically feel like I have the flu from the time it gets into my system (about an hour after taking it) until about 10-11am the next morning. I've thrown up a few times as well. I'm not sure why the effects last as long as they do, but I can tell you I am ready for them to go away.

Morning sickness? Ahhh, Bring it on! I've dealt with this for three months straight.. At least there would be a positive outcome/reason for morning sickness!

What is success?

Sitting in a café for breakfast, I began working on a research project that I have for school. It’s one of my last major assignments of this semester…..

When I walked in, I noticed a girl that I went to high school with, many years back. She was always a “wild child” and as I sat behind her in class, I listened to her many stories of escapades.. the most vivid that I remember involved a wild week during spring break. She was always involved in some sort of drama and always seemed to be in some sort of trouble.. the issues seemed to always center around boys. The pictures of her in revealing clothes and every type of alcohol you can imagine littered the photos she shared.

And here… many years later, I see her working behind the counter at the café. She was always nice to me in high school, but we were total opposites. I don’t even think she recognized me and I didn’t let on that I remembered her. As I was waiting on my order, I wondered how her life had turned out.

I sat down and began working on my paper.. After being completely indecisive, I got up and ordered a bagel after I had already ordered a muffin. Finally, I really starting getting into reading the article I was doing research on.

I heard the door open and saw a little child come in. I didn’t notice who he came in with, but he was a beautiful child at the age of about two. Full of happiness and joy.. and he had many admirers here. Several greeted the boy as if they knew him. Then my old classmate came from behind the counter. She approached him and the little boy began following her as she straightened tables. He began to gallop and skip and she stopped to watch and smile at him. I couldn’t help but stare as she began to gallop in place with him as they laughed. The happiness they shared was wonderful to watch.

It seemed obvious to me that she was a single mother.. this boy’s mother. I found myself wondering how she came about to be in this place in her life and the hardships she had gone through. Was she what some would consider to be successful? Is the mold of being successful to go to college, marry, and have a corporate job?

What is success? It is measured by your economical status or is success dependent upon your happiness? If you live a meaningful, happy life, do these criteria’s alone make you successful? Seeing this today has solidified in me that success is measured by your own personal feelings.. it’s not what any other individual deems as successful. It’s what you feel inside.

I will probably never know concretely whether this child really is hers or not, but it just opened my eyes and gave me a moment to sit back to reflect and to think. And I always am appreciative of moments like these.

Jumping back in...

I used to frequent the TTTC board all the time when I was diagnosed with endometriosis (almost 2 years ago!).

There for awhile, I went through a phase where I was very anger and bitter about my IF and, ultimately, I had to take a break from all the baby boards (the TTTC board included).

Four months ago, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor on my pituitary gland, which has also added complications to my IF. I have been receiving treatment for this for the past few months and will be going in a few weeks for another MRI to see if the tumor has shrunk. If the tumor can be controlled and shrunk, there are hopes that I will begin to have monthly cycles again (after not having any for about a year and a half now).

I have hope that the MRI will show good news and that there will be a chance that we can even have a *glimer* chance of TTC by having a monthly cycle again. C and I both have IF issues, but we've got to get my cycles regulated/started before we can persue any further treatment.

I'm in a phase where I am feeling some hope and don't feel as sad, angry, and bitter when I see children.. We recently adopted a third dog, who has special needs, and I really think that as I spent the last couple of months nursing him back to health, it helped me to focus on something else and not to have every thought consumed with wanting a baby.

Plus, it's C's birthday today and it just made me realize even more how much I want to have a baby.. something about us getting older (my birthday is in two weeks) just makes me long for a baby even more.

So, it's time to jump back in.. I'm not going to let the baby thoughts consume me, as they did before, but I think that I will start to allow myself to dream again...

Is this necessary?

What the hell... My boobs are killing me. There are so sore and so heavy. They literally feel like they have gained a few pounds. Since we all know that I don't have menstrual cycles (and haven't in over a year and a half), this isn't it. And we all know equally as much that there is not a chance that it is a pregnancy.. And for those that are thinking.. "Well, you never know..." in that sing songy voice-- Cut the crap. :) I've taken a test and... waiting, waiting.. are you ready for it........ NEGATIVE. Just like I said. Not that I, at all, expected anything different.

So.. Here I am, wondering what the heck is making my boobs feel this way and wishing it would stop.

(What a way to update my blog after a long period of MIA.. yeah, I know.)

Feeling Excited

Things have been so crazy these last couple of weeks that this is the first time that I have really been able to take a moment and just think...

I cannot believe that we are moving into our own house this weekend! We've had goals and dreams set and I am realizing that they are all slowly starting to fall into place. We are moving into our house, Christian graduated in March, I graduate in May.. It's kind of surreal to me. The next thing we need to accomplish is having a baby!

I went by the house this evening to take some things over.. and that's when it hit me. That this weekend, we will actually be living here. I am so happy that the boys will have more room and have a yard to play in. I am looking forward to having people over for dinner and bon fires and just making the house our home.

My school semester is already half way over-- can you believe that?!?! I sure can't! Come Thanksgiving, I'm pretty much done with the semster, except for finals, which are the first week in December. Then, I'll have a few weeks off and will start Fieldwork.. Wow! Time has really flown by!

Not sure if I've posted before, but we added another member to our pack. Mason is a Border Collie that came to me after his amputation for his recovery period. Long story short, he's staying with me! :) And he's going through training to become a therapy dog. Bailey and Cooper are tolerating him more and more. They are just not used to his super playful personality yet.

Well... I guess I need to come back to reality and start on some school assignments. Get them done and over with. But, I have enjoyed my few moments of singing along to music, surfing my message boards, and catching up on blogs...

Sickness

I started another round of my medication for the tumor last night.. and I am feeling really sick this morning! I'm sipping on some 7up, hoping that it will help soothe my stomach. So far, it's not working. The worst part is that I am stuck at school all day today- until 5:30. I just want to go home, put on some sweat pants, and crawl into bed... I hope this day goes by fast.

Getting a house!

Well... We are buying a house! We signed the contract last Sunday and get the keys in two weeks. We are very excited.. Having three dogs in an apartment has been a little crazy. Plus, this house is a pretty big size and has plenty of room for a baby.. or two. ;)

As far as any updates with my IF stuff: None really. Originally, I was going to be having an MRI around this time, but the Dr. has decided that she wants me to do another round of medication for the tumor. I'll be on that for another month and then we'll figure out where to go from there.. An MRI or another round of meds, I'm not sure..

But, when we move in the house, I have already chosen the room that will be the nursery. I've got to think positive, right? Yes, some days are easier than others. But having Mason (our newest addition- a Border Collie) has taken my mind off of the constant wonder of when we are going to be able to get pregnant. Mason had his back leg amputated and I have been taking care of him during his recovery..

So, our big news at the moment is that we are buying a house.. and I am satisfied with this at the moment! :)

Puppymill Awareness Day!

Today is Puppymill Awareness Day! Please take a few minutes to watch this video. It is graphic, but people need to be educated and see what these animals go through.

If you have any questions or want more information, let me know.. Let's do our part to stop this horrible treatment!

Our three boys are rescue dogs and we wouldn't have it any other way!


http://www. youtube. com/watch?v=gEFyU3yWWtU&feature=related

Changes

I realize it's been awhile since I've blogged. Life has been a little hectic. I am back in school, full swing. So, I've always got something that I can be doing. We've got a ton of papers, projects, demonstrations, etc. due this semester, so I always have something to work on.

Two Wednesdays ago, we picked up a Border Collie/Shelter mix that we were going to foster. He was picjed up as a stray and had to have his leg amputated. We got him the night he was released from the vet's office and was going to foster him for 2 weeks until he went to a rescue. Long story short, we're keeping him. I think he would make an amazing therapy dog, so that's what he's going to do.. We're meeting with a trainer next Saturday to get him enrolled in some classes.

He's still got his stictches in the incision, but will get them out this Thursday...

Christian is currently golfing with a friend. James is coming over later to watch the Gators football game.. which means that I will spend time working on school stuff. I'm not a fan of sitting around, watching football.

I go in a couple of weeks for a second MRI. I'm hoping that the tumor has shrunk. Guess I'll just have to wait and see...

New recipe website

I just found a website that offers healthy recipes.. It has some really good stuff!

http://www.eatbetteramerica.com/recipes/

Kiwi is gone...

My little green parakeet, Kiwi, is gone. I have had him since I was 12 years old. My Papa gave me $20 for my birthday and I used it to buy Kiwi. I remember being a little girl, standing in the pet store. There were quite a few birds in a big glass aquarium. They all had the same green and yellow coloring. I stood there for a few minutes, trying to figure out which one that I wanted. I spotted Kiwi and decided that he was the one I wanted. I remember the employee coming over with a net and I pointed Kiwi out to him. I kept my eye on Kiwi the entire time, as the employee tried to chase him with the net... Eventually, we caught him!

Kiwi has always been small for his breed of bird. I currently have two other parakeets (Ty and Cotton) and they are quite a bit bigger than Kiwi, even though they are younger than him.

Kiwi got sick a few months ago and I had to take him in a couple of times to the vet. His balance become unsteady and his beak turned a different color (which can be a sign of sickness). I had to give him medicine by a dropper for a week and it seemed to help some, although he stayed towards the bottom of the cage as much as possible (due to loosing his balance).

A short time later, I took him back because there wasn't a great improvement. He was given another exam, where the vet noticed that one foot was weaker than the other, but really couldn't pin point the over all health problem. It was discussed how Kiwi was pretty old and was actually the oldest parakeet they had seen. Kiwi was given some steroids, via syringe, but other than that, they weren't sure what else to do.

I saw some improvement and he had been doing pretty well recently. A week or so ago, I actually got to enjoy him chirping (which is something he hasn't done too much recently).

He has been through so much with me. When I was young, I used to read him Little Critter books and give him gifts on holidays. :) When we moved from NC to TN, I held his cage on my lap for the 12 something hour drive.

He has been with me as I have grown up and through all of my moves. It's amazing to sit back and think of everything that we have done together.

I took him to the vet's office today and dropped him off to have him cremated. I will be able to pick him up sometime next week. He will be put in a cedar box with his name and the dates that I have had him (December 1996-August 2008).

I miss him so much already..... I love you, Kiwi!

It's been a week..

..since I've had no job. I'll be honest. I haven't done too much. Last week was just for me to rest and this week I plan on getting the house in order and cleaned. But these damn massive headaches will not go away. They are almost constant and Tylenol doesn't seem to have much affect on them. Although, I am getting ready to pop 2 extra strength pills to try and get some type of relief. I double my medication dose tonight.. let's just hope the side affects don't double as well.

I also started my workout routine with Sweet21 (on my Pets board). Today kicked my butt, but I think part of the reason was because I was feeling like crap. The more I type, the more my head hurts.. so I have got to get off and lay down. They are making me physically sick. More later...

A tumor it is...

Even though it is not as severe as it could be, it is still weird to think about having a brain tumor. Who ever thinks they are going to get something like that? I started my medication this week to see if we can get it to shrink, but the side affects and definately showing their faces.. I fall asleep soon after I take the medicine and I get nauseous and have severe headaches. Today was actually the worst day, since I've been taking the medicine. I haven't been feeling too great all day today. And next week, my daily dosage will be doubled, but I hope it doesn't double the feeling of sickness, etc.

Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!!!!!!!!

I am literally screaming with joy! Final grades are all going to be posted tomorrow for our Summer semester. I have been scared to death, waiting on this grade. It is for Anatomy, a class that I have taken more than once becasue it has kicked my butt. I HAD to get a "C" in this class because if I didn't, I would be dropped from my OT program, with only one semester of classes to go. I had averaged out my test grades and I was right on the line, but didn't know how the teacher would weigh the quiz grades, labs, etc.
So... I thought I'd check on-line, just by some chance that some grades would be posted early. And mine was----- A "C"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I literally started yelling and crying with joy! So much was riding on this grade... Literally, my future would be determined by this one little grade. And I did it! I mafe it! I am so proud of myself! Yep, it may be the lowest grade that I could have to stay in the program, but I did it! Now, I can enjoy the next two weeks of no school and no work with no stress and start school in two weeks refreshed and ready to finish strong!!!

MRI Results

Well.. I got some results:

Blood Tests: Christian is not a carrier of Cystic Fibrosis and neither am I. So that's good.

MRI Results: I do have a tumor on my pituitary gland. So, they will put me on some drugs to take at night and then I will have to go back next month for another MRI. Next time though, I am insisting that the needle for the IV be put in my arm and NOT the back of my hand!

It seems like things keep piling on.. But such is life.

This will, of course, delay any IF treatments.. so, we'll just have to take it one day at a time.

What are we going to do?!?!

"What are we going to do?!?!" This is what I am currently listening to my coworkers say from across the room.. followed by a series of fake, loud, obnoxious crying! haha
They are talking about me leaving.. about Friday being my last day. We're trying to keep the mood light around here, but I know it will be hard on Friday.. Even tomorrow will be hard because three of my coworkers are off on Friday, so tomorrow will be my last day with them. :(

I don't know what I am going to do.. not in a financial aspect because I think we've pretty much got that worked out.. but just going from having something going on non stop.. to having nothing. I'll have that two week break where I will have no school and no work. Talk about a change.

I'm getting anxious about my final grade in Anatomy. My last day of class is this Thursday and I think they have a week to post grades. I won't be able to fully relax until I know what that grade is. I've started a list of things that I want to do during my time off:

-Give Emma's cage a really good cleaning (parrot)
-Give Kiwi, Ty, and Cotton's cage a really good cleaning (parakeets)
-Take Cooper and Bailey for many walks and maybe even to the park a few times. Christian and I always do this together, but I may try it on my own.. depending on how busy it is.
-Lay out by the pool and get a tan
-Read a good book
-Organize my closet
-Give my house a really good cleaning
-Watch court tv shows! :)
-Watch some talk shows (another of my guilty pleasures!)
-Cook some awesome meals

...I'm sure the list will continue as I think more about it.

I should be getting my test results back from the MRI today or tomorrow. Let me just tellyou.. that was one of my worst doctor's appointment experiences ever. It really was horrible. I hate needles and was told that I wouldn't have an IV. Trust me, I am always being pocked with needles to have blood drawn, etc. but I like to know ahead of time to get myself mentally ready for it (yes, I'm a little crazy when it comes to needles). So, I go to this appointment thinking that it's no big deal.. I was told that as long as I was fine with going to a tannig bed, then the MRI wouldn't make me feel panicked and that was, basically, all there was to it. WRONG.

I sat down for my consultation and we went over health problems, why I was having this done, etc. Then (just to reassure myself) I stated, "Now, I will not have an IV, right?" And she looked at me like it was a silly question and said that yes, I would.. I told her I called ahead of time to check and was told no and she said they were incorrect and shouldn't have told me that information..

So.. ok.. no time to really prepare myself. I normally have Christian or my Mom go to any "different" doctor appointments with me. When it was just at my obgyn, I would go alone.. but for things like these, someone comes with me. But, I told them they didn't have to since I thought I was just being put through a machine for a few minutes.

We go into the room with the MRI machine and I lay down.. They then strap my head into some head rest thing and put a helmet over me.. Let me just tell you.. that machine was NOT the size of a tanning bed! Maybe 1/3 the size of it. I tend the freak out a little in closed spaces, so I started getting short of breath. I went through the machine and had to wear ear plugs because it sounded like a jack hammer right by my head. Next thing I knew, one of the lady's came up and grabbed my hand. I wasn't sure what she was doing until she tied my arm off.. and then I knew! I started panicking and telling her to stop.. They had me stuck in the machine will my arms and lower body sticking out and were getting ready to put the IV in.

They had to pull me out of the machine because I was having a panick attack. And, to top it off, they didn't give me the IV in my arm (which I am used to). They gave it to me in the back of my hand!! It was so much more painful this way!

I know I am a chicken.. I know I probably sound like a baby.. But man, was this a horrible experience. Often times, people ask me how I will ever have a baby and go thru labor if I get worked up over this. But when that day comes, there will be a real purpose behind any pain. For now, we're still in the "testing" phase.. So these needles are all just to do tests, which will eventually help, but you eventually get tired of it all and begin to feel like a science experiment.

Clomid vs. Injectibles

Thankfully, I now have a greater understanding of Clomid and injectibles. I did not fully understand this before: Clomid works with the brain, whereas injectibles work directly with your ovaries. Therefore, my argument of not knowing if injectibiles will work, based on the fact that Provera didn't work for me is invalid. Provera, like Clomid works with the brain too..

So, after much thought and discussion, I think we are going to plan on trying our first cycle with the RE with injectibles. Of course, I have to get the results from my MRI today, but I don't think that I have a tumor on my pituitary gland. (which could be the reason for my hormones not being released, etc.)

Either way, it looks as if our first medicated cycle won't be until October. Christian must have his second SA at the end of September/beginning of October. I am scared and excited.. I am now looking forward to getting this MRI over with, scheduling the appointment with the RE to go over to results and discuss the next steps in starting injectibles and doing the IUI.

Please keep me in your thoughts as this is my last week of my summer class. I really need to finish strong and do well on my final. Once I am done with this and get my final grade, it will lift a lot of stress from me.

Becoming a Mother

"Thoughts on Becoming a Mother"

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes I will be a wonderful mother."
-Unknown

We can see!!

So, Christian and I went to get our eyes checked this weekend. I already wear glasses (and have regularly for the past few months) and wanted contacts. I've been trying to convince himfor the past year that he needs to have his eyes checked, etc. but he kept telling me they were fine. Long story short, we both got our eyes checked (mine, rechecked) and left there with a trial pair of contacts. We go next weekend to pick up our prescription. For a guy who claims that his eyesight was just fine, I sure am hearing a lot about what he can see now! haha

I got for my MRI this evening after work. I am a little nervous (mainly about whether or not I will have to have an IV), but also ready to just get it over with. This is a large step to determine exactly what we will do next. I guess that once the results come in, we'll have another appointment with the RE and go over our options. I'm leaning more towards at least one month with Clomid, to see if my body is even going to react to anything. I would hate to spend all that money on injectibles and then my body not respond to them. Is there some certainty that they will even work? I'm just nervous about it all.. I don't want to money to end up being wasted if my body doesn't react. I feel like I am putting a price on our baby with all of this.. I just hate it.

I'm loosing my job...

My job has been talking about the potential of lay offs and it is now official. My last day is next Friday. It's a lot to take in at once. My boss and I briefly talked about it last week, but there was nothing set in stone.. It was pretty much just left up in the air. Well, she approached me this morning and said that she was going to let the rest of my department know. So, one by one, everyone filed into the conference room. There are only about 10 of us and we are all pretty close. Some of them were shocked, some I had already hinted to them to possibility... But either way, they were upset.

But, I think it's going to be for the best. Financially, it will be hard, but that will just mean serious budgeting and not going out to eat as much. I'm hoping to be able to make it through this last semester of school without working.

As for IF related treatment, I worry. I don't know how much we can really can swing the amounts that are predicted. I guess we'll just have to see what the results of my MRI are and take it from there. One step at a time...

MRI Set

Juat got the call.. My MRI is scheduled for Monday at 5:30pm. I was surprised that they had such a late appointment. That works well for me with my work schedule.. I've never had an MRI. It's not the actual MRI I'm scared of.. It's the IV. Anything to do with needles. Ugh. But I'll get through it! :)

I'm angry. And bitter.

I'm just in a really foul mood. Every bit of research I've done is saying that the best bet would be to do injectables for our IUI procedure. Problem is, my Dr. said the average cost is between $2k-$3k each cycle. Who the heck has this kind of extra money just there. I know we don't. Plus, there is no guarantee that the first cycle would work and we'd still be trying to have a baby, only a few grand less than what we started. I understand it's a risk to take, but at the same time, it all just frustrates me.

Why is it that so many people who don't deserve to have children.. who neglect them.. don't teach them the things a parent should teach their child, etc. are able to just pop them out? And I expected to pay a few grand JUST FOR MEDICATIONS. This does not even include the cost of the actual procedure.

Can't something please go my way?! It would have all worked out perfect... I wanted to be pregnant in September, so that we would be due after we both graduate from school and I would be able to take that full year off to stay at home with the baby. That little dream is slipping away.. and pretty fast at that.

So, if anyone has any ideas of how to get a bunch of money, let me know. We don't qualify for the few loan programs I've found out there. And don't bother suggesting robbing a bank. I've already thought of that. And decided that wouldn't be the best bet. If I'm in jail, then I guess that would lessen the possibility of me getting pregnant, huh?

Back from RE Appointment

Well... We had our first consultation today. Christian had come with me to some of my previous appointments with my other doctor, but this was his frist "big" appointment. We sat down and answered a lot of questions and reviewed all of the doctors I've seen, tests that have been run, diagnosis, etc. Then I had to go get a vaginal ultrasound done. You should have seen Christian's face! He was like, "They really just tell you to undress and get on the table?" This is coming from somone who NEVER goes to the doctor. I told him that this was no big deal-- I'd had more untrasounds than I could even count. Good news is that I have quite a few eggs and they look great!

But.. I haven't had a menstrual cycle in a year and obviously, am not ovualting. My Dr. thinks that I may have a tumor on my petuitary gland, so my next appointment is to have an MRI head scan done. I should be getting call later today or tomorrow to schedule that. If they find that I do have a tumor, this could be supressing my hormones from being released, causing me to not ovulate. Once we get the results back from that, we can decide the next plan.

My doctor's (RE) suggestion was to do injectibles, but these will cost $2-$3k a cycle. She said this would help to bring my hormone levels back to normal. Since they are so expensive, she said we could try Clomid/Femara at first, but she doens't seem to have a lot of faith that those will do the job.

Christian and I both had blood work done to test for things as well and should have those results soon. But, for now, the plan is as follows:

-Make appointment for MRI
-If there is a tumor, treat it.
-If no tumor (or after treated) start fertility meds (either injectibles/shots or oral pills: Clomid/Femara)
-I will be monitored with ultrasounds and bloodwork around mid cycle.
-Christian will have another semen analysis
-Perform IUI procedure

Long story short... This can end up being very expensive!!! ..And why most insurances don't cover IF.. I have no idea!

Pictures of our cute boys...

Here are pictures of our boys, Cooper and Bailey..

Bailey (with Coop in background):


Cooper:


And the two lounging on the couch (what they do best!):


Aren't they just adorable?! :)

Spoke to Doctor

I called and left a message for my Doctor on Thursday, but didn't get a return call. I knew she didn't work Fridays, so I just assumed I would get a call back Monday. No biggie. I was surprised when she actually called me back today. I had some questions about setting up an appointment with the RE, what I would need, etc. She told me to come in and get copies of my medical file from Tammy, so that I can take it to the RE. So, it looks like I will be calling in the morning to set up my appointment.. I just wonder how soon I can get in. I'm hoping really soon because I just found out that, more than likely, I will be laid off in the next week or two. One of the main issues here is insurance. Not that I have IF insurance coverage, but the fact that I was going to try and do any/all bloodwork testing thru my obgyn and have it sent over to the RE, since it will be covered under insurance then. I have insurance through my Husband's work as well, but myh obgyn doesn't take his insurance.. but.. I also was just told that she is changin practices and moving to a different hospital and that they may take his insurance. The "open" August 1st, I guess, so I'll call over there then to verify.
The other reality is the cost of procedures at the RE office. We will need to find out what route the RE is thinking will be best. It has already been suggested that we do IUI, but I know the costs can greatly vary, depending on meds, etc. Our consultation appointment will determine whether we can afford to continue on (I have a certain amount set aside for treatment) or put it on hold for another year or so.. I don't know.. It just all depends what goes on at that appointment. So, here's to hoping that we get an appointment set soon, so that I can also figure all insurance aspects out, etc. Only time will tell...

Well, it's late here and I can't believe I am still up.. Time to go to bed. I'll write more about our first rescue transport and weekend thus far later.. possibly tomorrow.

I stole this from another blog... It was to be answered with one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your significant other? working
3. Your hair? boring
4. Your mother? strong
5. Your father? nonexistant
6. Your favorite thing? food
7. Your dream last night? strange
8. Your favorite drink? Pepsi
9. Your dream/goal? success
10. The room you’re in? office
11. Your hobby? wishful
12. Your fear? bugs
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
14. What you’re not? excited
15. Muffins? strawberry
16. One of your wish list items? house
17. Where you grew up? NC
18. The last thing you did? thought
19. What are you wearing? jeans
20. Favorite gadget? TV
21. Your pets? adorable
22. Your computer? great
23. Your mood? tired
24. Missing someone? nope
25. Your car? messy
26. Something you’re not wearing? socks
27. Favorite store? Target
28. Like someone? ok
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? July

The husband and I are supossed to be going to a baseball game tonight.. It's been raining on and off today, but I assume it's still scheduled. We are also doing our first ever transport tomorrow! We will more than likely take the two bigger dogs (a chocolate lab and a great dane/lab mix) in my car with the other person having the smaller dogs. Our leg is only an hour, so we're just going to Bowling Green, KY. I'll try and remember to take pictures so I can post some.

I called and left a message for my Dr. yesterday.. I didn't get a call back and she doesn't work Fridays, so Monday will be the earliest... I'm trying to get all of the details together to make my appointment for the RE. It's exciting, but is also making me very nervous. Am I ready for this? Am I ready to commit to having procedures and shots and taking medicine to have a baby? Yes, I want a baby.. I am just scared of it all.

In other news, I'm thinking about getting a tattoo- of a sea turtle. They represent fertility, but also combine my love of the ocean. I really want one of my hip, but then people have said there is a great potential for stretch marks.. so, my other thought was my shoulder blade. I just don't know if I really want it there..

I still, technically, have three hours left at work. But, I think I am going to leave a little early. I want to go get my eyebrows waxed before we go to the game.. I wouldn't mind taking a nap either, but I don't think I have time for that.

Quotes that I love...

From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog," or,"that's a lot of money for just a dog."

They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog."Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog."

Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," but I did not once feel slighted.
Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave mecomfort and reason to overcome the day.

If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand phrases like "just a friend,""just a sunrise,"or"just a promise." "Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust,and pure unbridled joy.

"Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future.

So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past,and the pure joy of the moment.

"Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day. I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a person."

So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog" just smile, because they "just don't understand."



And...

"Saving one animal won't change the world, but it will change the world for that one animal."

Little changes

I'm trying to figure out how to design this blog to make it more interesting.. I've added a picture at the top and hope to learn how to put pictures in my post. When I have a little extra time, I'm going to sit down and attempt to figure it all out.

Well, we're working on getting our money situation all worked out to make our appointment with the RE. We should have a better idea in the next week or so as to when we can make an appointment. The problem is that we have been told the initial consulatation can cost between $700-$2,000, depending on what tests the RE wants to perform that day. Unfortunately, there is no way to guage or estimate the cost until we sit down and meet with the Doctor. Other disappointing and stressing news is that every penny of that must be paid as you are walking out the door. You cannot set up a payment play, put x amount down, etc. So, we have to be prepared to pay up to $2,000 that day. But, we won't know how much the procedure is going to cost us before we have our consultation to see what they suggest. I've been told it will be an IUI, but how much monitoring and meds that will be involved will determine the cost. So, we won't know until we at least have our consultation.

In other news, Emma (our parrot) is going to the vet this weekend.. She's just getting her wings clipped, which we feel will help with her behavior because she can then get out of her cage and I feel we will have a better control of her behavior. She is still biting and lunging at us, but I'm hoping as time continues to progress, she will as well. She has begun eating food that we feed her through the cage, but we have to be cautious so that she doesn't snatch our fingers as well. It will be interesting at our house Saturday because we have to get her into the carrier to get her to the vet. I've already called to warn them that they will have a biter on their hands!

I have also volunteered for the Husband and I to do our first transport! There are a group of dogs that they are trying to coordinate rides for to their foster/forever homes and are coming thru Nashville! I've sent an e-mail to the transport coordinator and if they can fill the rest of the legs, we should be good to go.. I'm just waiting to hear back.. It's only an hour leg (from Nashville to Bowling Green, KY).

Ever feel like your life is at a stand still?

This is how I feel. It seems like during the week, my life mainly consists of school and work. I get home in the evenings and get to spend time with my Husband and darling boys, Cooper and Bailey, but then before long, it's time for bed and then time to start the day again. I live for the weekends. I live for the two days out of the week where we can relax as a family and spend time together. I know this schedule and hectic life won't last forever.. Eventually, we'll be able to have a normal life. I can't wait for the days where we can actually make a decent dinner and sit down to eat it together during the week.. Just little things that I want and wait for.

As for news in our baby world.. There really isn't anything new. We've got until October and then Christian must do another SA. I need to call my Dr. in the next week or so and see how soon we need to get into the RE. I know it can take some time to even get an appointment, so I guess I need to get the ball rolling on that. It's just an exhausting, roller coaster of a task.. We've began this whole journey a year ago and we aren't any closer than what we were then.

Stop procrastinating..

I need to study for my Anatomy class. I must learn evey muscle in the body by Tuesday, for the test. I would say that, so far, I know about a 1/4 of them.
Christian and I are going out to dinner tonight with my friend Kris, that I haven't seen in almost six years. I found him on myspace..
Other than that, we don't have any weekend plans. Christian is over at James' house and they are changing his oil in the car. He'll be home in a little while. My Mom brought Sydney over to visit. Sydney is her new dog.. She's an older dog (between 10-12) and she's really calm. She also puts Coop in his place when he tries to mess with her. Bailey doesn't seem to pay too much attention to her. While they are all quiet, sleeping on the couch, I should learn a few more muscles from my diagrams.
I know I am just wasting time becasue I don't feel like studying, but I'll be kicking myself, come Tuesday, if I don't. Off I go..

Sad and depressing.. and a reality.

I hate it.. I really, really hate it. I hate that there are millions of homeless animals in the world, many who will never know what love feels like. Due to the many contacts that I made when I was trying to help save Maggie, I have been added to countless e-mails lists. I now get several e-mails a day about homeless animals who need help. Unfortunately, I live in an apartment. I have Cooper and Bailey already. If I lived in a house, I would take in many more. But I know that no matter what, I can not help them all. There is a potential that we could do a foster situation (like I was going to do for Maggie), but I would honestly like it to be for one that no one else wants. One that has special needs and needs a little TLC. One that wouldn't make it unless someone stepped up to help them out and work towards finding them a forever home.
I just wish that there was more I could do. I am sad that Maggie's situation didn't end better, but I am so happy that her story has opened people's eyes and is helping other dogs in need..

Ever look at yourself..

and think, "Ugh".? Yep, that's how I feel. I'm sitting here on the couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt. My hair is crazy and I've got my glasses on. I now have to wear these damn glasses constantly. My eyesight has gotten to the point that I can't function without them. And I hate the way I look in them! My hair still has not grown out completely from the awful haircut I had months back.. I feel like I am going through a horribly ugly phase. I need to lose some weight on top of it all.
I've been studying this evening, but I'm burnt out now. I'm waiting for Christian to get home from school so that we can watch "The Bachelorette" finale. Another test tomorrow.. what's new?
Isn't it sad when you don't have the time to do things you want to do.. like paint my toenails, go to the gym, go to the pool.. I really hate having such a busy schedule, but such is life for me at this moment. Another year, and school will be done. Thank God.

Christian went to his Urologist appointment today. He's got to start taking a daily vitamin, make his food colorful (fruits and veggies= healthy), and cut way back on the caffeine. Three months of this and then another semen analysis. The Dr. said we would still do the IUI though. So, I guess this is just to see if we can make any improvement with his test results to "up" our chances.

I need and want a vacation.. desperately.

Semen Analysis Results

My husband had to have a semen analysis before my Dr. will put me on fertlity drugs. They wanted to make sure that there were no additional problems to be addressed. Long story short.. they came back as abnormal mortility and abnormal morphology. Basically abnoral movement and shape.
So, we are now going to see a urologist July 7th for my husband to have additional testing done. At this time, we will find out if they want to try fertility pills or go straight to an IUI procedure.
I started writing this, but honestly don't feel like continuing.. I'll write more later.

Today sucks.

My new parrot, Emma, bit the hell out of my on Friday, so I have nice puncture wounds on my hand and finger.. She then proceeded to scream quite a bit this weekend and lunge at me through the cage when I walked by..
Then.. I notice that a $160 deposit in cash that we made to the bank on Friday afternoon has not posted. Come to find out-- they can't find it. Yep, you read that right.. The bank cannot find the $160 cash deposit that was made. Even though I have a receipt. I've talked to five different people and faxed over a copy of the receipt this morning. I'm giving them another hour and will call them again.. and continue until I get my money put into the account. Their response, "Oh, well, if it causes anything to bounce, we will refund the ofterdraft fees..." That's not the point here! I shouldn't be waiting on my money to be found and correctly put into my account.
Then, when I came into work this morning, I realized that I had left my leftovers from lunch on Friday at my desk. Carrots, Broccoli, and Cauliflower with rice. So, it naturally caused an odor. My fault. I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I just forgot to grab it as I walked out the door on Friday. So all morning long, that's all anyone is talking about.. how I stunk the place up.. how much it stinks. Lysol has been sprayed and candles are lit. It's really not that bad. Can we move on now?
Lastly, I just got off the phone with a difficult customer. He is claiming to have not received e-mails that I sent him about an issue.. Even went on to say that I may have e-mailed him, but.. I don't like being told that I didn't do something, when I know I did. So, I not so nicely, told him that I would forward him the e-mails that have already been sent to him, along with another one.. He claims to never have gotten them. Then how did I get a return receipt each time he read them? Hmmm.. And I'm the dumb one.
As you can tell.. I'm in a terrible mood. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone talking to me. Can I just go home? ..But then I'd have to deal with Emma. It's a lose, lose situation today.

Another step down the path.

I haven't blogged recently-- there hasn't been too much to say. I went to the Dr. about two weeks ago because I have still not ovulated/had a period. I explained to her that we are not wanting to get really aggressive about it again until September. That way if, by some chance, I got pregnant right away, I wouldn't be due until after I graduate. She put me on Prometrium to see if it would produce a bleed-- nothing. I didn't think it would. Provera didn't work so I didn't have much confidence that this would. She wanting me to start Clomid (fertility drug) in September, but I have to have a bleed first-- so that seems to be our problem at the moment. We've got until September to igure it out, so I guess that's a bonus.

I then went in last week because I was having severe pain on my left side. I had an ultrasound, urine analysis, and pelvic exam. My normal Dr. wasn't in, so I had to see another Dr. She kept saying things that were incorrect (don't think she read my chart) and I had to correct her.. So, that didn't make me feel too good or have much confidence in what she was telling me.
During the pelvic exam, she pushed on my left ovary and it hurt really bad.. But then she said that during the ultrasound, she didn't see anything abnormal. She wanted me to go for a CT Scan, but I didn't want to because I knew it was my ovary. She said I could have had a ruptured cyst and if that was the case, the pain would stop in a few days.. Well, I went throught the weekend and the pain was a little less and now is gone. I am really glad I didn't go for all the extra stuff she wanted me to. That would have just been more $$$ owed for crap I didn't need.

Christian is going for his SA on Thrusday.. It's going to be much easier than we orginally thought, so the whole process isn't that big of a deal anymore. It's just waiting on the results. I don't know what we'd do if the results weren't good. Realistically, I know what we would do treatment wise, but I am talking emotionally/mentally. We don't need anything else going against us.

I started school again-- Anatomy night classes. I'm in class Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday from 6-9pm. I hate the class- with a passion. But I have no choice. I've got to do well in it. There's just so much information and so little time to absorb it all. It's only an 10 week class and we are covering things that would typically be covered in a 20 week course. I normally work well under pressure, so I'm hoping this will help me along. Unfortunatately, with mine and Christian's schedules for school, we will only see each other Friday evenings and then the weekends- at least for the next 10 weeks.

It's Friday.. Thank God.

This week has gone by relatively fast, but I am still thankful that it's Friday. We've got plenty of plans this weekend. I'm taking my sister to church this evening, my brother's staying the night with us, we're taking him to his drum lessons in the morning, we're going to the community picnic, and meeting friends for fireworks in the evening. Then Sunday, my brother has two soccer games and we're going out to eat for his birthday, which was earlier this week. Busy weekend.
The mother in law sent me a message this morning-- thanking me for her pajamas that were given to her for Mother's Day. I thought about 1) ignoring the comment or 2) writing back a smart ass remark that they were not from me-- they were from her darling son and him alone. But I took the high road (yet again-- I'm up a zillion to none) and reponded with a short "You're welcome." That women grates of my ever loving nerves. I know why she's trying to have contact with me after 10 months.. her daugter (which would be my wonderful sister in law) is on the verge of getting engaged. And I'm sure that mother in law thinks that if she begins talking to me now, that everything will be perfict for her darling baby's wedding. Fat chance lady. It'll be a miracle if I even go. And if I do, I will not be speaking to you. Can't you tell I love my Husband's family? Ha.
On to an update on Maggie, my gas station dog.. I stopped by this morning to visit, but she hadn't decided to grace us with her presence yet. I spoke with the gas station lady, who has now been idetified as Sandy. She is so overwhelmingly happy and appreciative that I am trying to help Maggie out. Sandy has been feeding her for some time now and would love for her to have a home. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if it weren't for the fact that Maggie is so scared of people that it's going to be hard to catch her. I dropped off two bags of dog food, along with bowls, and a note with my phone number, in case Sandy needs me for anything before I go visit them again.
I've got people who have offered to transport to a home once one is found, but the problem is first finding her a foster and getting her vetting done. The Husband is probably going to kill me, but at this point, if a few weeks or so goes by, we may have to foster her. I can't leave her out on the street, knowing that she needs help. But I do promise you this-- I'm not doing this again. Not until I have a big ass house, with plenty of space for a dog to be fostered. Trust me, I really do not feel like fostering right now, but at the same time, I can't leave her out there.. How can I not help when I know there is a need for it? Some may feel this is a good attribute to have, but at this point it almost feels like a flaw in my character.. I know that there is a need, so I feel that I need to help resolve it.

Can my life ever be simple?

Another day.. another dollar.

Saw little Maggie (as I'm calling her) again today.. Stopped by the gas station on my way into work and was met with strange stares as I parked to the side and got out of the car, carrying a container of dog food. I spotted her, standing in the middle of the busy parking lot.. looking lost. What amazes me is how all of these people can just walk by her and not pay her an ounce of attention. No greeting to her, no remarks on how they feel bad for her. I mean, seriously.. is that what this world has come to? That we honestly don't give a shit about an animal that is suffering? Maybe I am in the minority here, but it seriously breaks my heart. If I have the ability to help, then I'm going to. And I have made this my mission...
I've e-mailed an animal rescue group here in Nashville and am waiting on a reply.. I going to search for some others to see if they can help me. I'm willing/wanting to continue to feed her and try to gain her trust.. Once I reach that goal, I would like to take her to a rescue that can find her a good home.
I thought about her last night as I was laying in bed with my two boys.. They were both cuddled up on the blankets and Coop, resting his head on the pillow.. Bailey prefers to sleep at the bottom. It makes me so sad because at one time, that was Bailey. Homeless-- no where to go to receive love.
So, wish me luck with this and I hope that I gain her trust soon. I want to shorten the length of time that she's out there wandering the streets. And as cliche as this sounds-- spay and neuter your animals. It would help to cut down on helpless animals with no homes.

Day One of Rescue Stray Dog a Success!

There's a stray dog over by my work that frequents the parking lot of a gas station. I went in Friday and spoke with the people to confirm that she's a stray. I let them know my intentions of coming by each morning and feeding her and eventually trying to catch her and get her into a foster, etc.
So, I went out and bought some additonal food to keep in my car for her.. This morning it took me a few minutes to spot her, but finally did. She is very scared and will not let anyone come even remotely close to her. The closest you can get is literally maybe 50 feet away.
I showed her the food and tried to coax her over, but that was a no go.
So, I set the food on the sidewalk and walked out of sight where I could watch her. She slowly made her way over to the food, grabbed the side of the plastic container it was in, and took off with it.
She walked along the side of the gas station, into a grassy area, where she was away from everyone, and chowed down on the food! :)
I was so glad that she ate it! Now.. let's just hope that as I continue to do this, she'll eventually let me get closer.

Good News (if you can call it that)

I got into the evening A&P class that I needed. I kept checking and someone dropped and there was one lonely spot available. I don't think I've ever raced so fast to put a number into the registration page on the computer to secure my spot. So, I've got it.. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays will be school nights for me for eight weeks during my sumer "break". Which also adds to the fact that Chrsitian and I will see each other one night during the week. And the boys will not be able to continue on with daily evening walks. Which means that I should get up in the morning to take them. But I don't know if I can pry my eyes open any earlier. We shall see.

Getting ready to go to lunch with coworkers. Mexican food can always cheer me up.

My life is great..

Ugh. I am annoyed-- beyond belief. Well, I was getting ready to start this blog with this weekend's events, but I just had a coworker come up to me and say, "So, Ryann.. Any plans on kids soon?" I hesitated for a moment and then just looked at her and said, "I have fertility problems." That, of course, made it a weird situation and she responded with, "Oh, I didn't know that. Well, I guess there's really no rush though is there.. I mean, with you being in school and isn't C (husband) in school as well." So then we had a short little chat on when we graduate, etc.
I mean, seriously.. Is it acceptable to ask when someone is going to have kids. Maybe I am just ultra sensitive today, but don't ask me about kids. I feel like a bitch, but seriously..

I also found out that I have to take A&P this summer or I'm dropped from my OT program-- with one semester and clinicals until graduation. And of course, all classes are booked. I spoke with my OT director and there's nothing she can do to help. Her advice was to look into other schools to take this class, since it has to be completed this semester. I called and found that the purge date is May 15th, which means that at 12:01am on May 16th, anyone who didn't pay gets dropped from their class and there may be a spot left. Which means that I will be setting my alarm to get up at 12:00am to see if I can snatch an open spot. I'll be damned if I have to go to another school to take this class.. like they will have any open slots anyway.

I'm sorry, but I have having a "my life sucks" day. Oh, and to top everything off, the tax thing that everyone is getting.. Yeah, according to the schedule, we were to have ours transmitted into our account no later than May 2nd-- well, we never saw it. Not that it really matters anymore because if we get it, $300 goes to the boys to get their yearly shots and then $400 goes to pay for this bullshit class I have to take. Woo Hoo for me! My life is great...

You know..

I was just thinking.. Why don't I post any pictures on here? I guess I am worried that someone I know will somehow come across this blog and my secret(s) will be out. But seriously.. what are the odds of that? It's not like I have such an interesting life that people are googling my name to see what they can come up with (although I do not believe this blog will).. But then again, maybe someone is? Yeah, ok.. I only think I'm that important.. Seriously, I'm only kidding.. I seen to be in a mood this evening..

Oh, and PS- People on Craigslist suck. I'm tired of making plans to meet them (for instance, a bird that I was thinking of adopting) and then being called and told that the item/animal (in this case) that I was coming to see, has been sold. Seriously? I have had this time set with you, but someone calls and offers more money? Asshole. See, I told you I was in a mood.

Random Sighting

Husband and I went to dinner tonight and saw the crack whore I blogged about a few posts ago- one of the wonderful girls I went to highschool with that is now knocked up by some dead beat guy. Ok, Ok.. so I don't know for sure that she is a crack whore.. but I have speculations. At least I know she enjoyed the whole drugs and whore thing in highschool and from what I've seen/read on her lovely myspace profile, it doesn't seem to have changed much. All I know is that I would make a damn good parent-- more than she would.

Ok, rant over.. I seriously haven't seen this girl in like 5 years and I write a random blog after I came across her myspace profile and then I saw her today. Karma? I hope not.

Checking e-mail like it's crack..

I refuse to relax until I find out my final grades of the semester. The main one I am worried about is A&P. My professor said she would e-mail them yesterday, but still.. Nothing. I am literally checking my e-mail about 20 times a day. I even go through all of the junk e-mail, line by line, to be sure that it wasn't put in with those by mistake. I'm crazy, I tell ya. Talk about some OCD. I know that I have some OCD tendencies (don't even get me started!), but this is rediculous.

Relaxation is coming...

Come this weekend, I will be 100% school free! This week, I've got to finish up my final exams and turn in some last minute assignments, but then I'll be done. It will be such a weight off my shoulders.. I think I shall celebrate with PF Chang's this weekend.. and bring my Mom.. since she's never been. So Mom, if you're reading this, what do you think about this weekend? You're gonna love it.. Their food is SO good!! :)

I think we've come to the decision that we are not going to continue to "try" for a baby this summer. I am so close to graduating, that I think it's in everyone's best interest that we put it on hold until August/September. That way, the earliest I will be due would be after I graduate.
I really don't feel like this is a set back for us.. Mainly because I still am not ovulating. I'll wait another month to see if I ovulate on my own, like my Dr. suggested, but I just have a feeling that it's not going to happen on it's own. I plan on giving her a call at the beginning of June. Then we'll have June, July, and possibly August to do any other treatments, toss around ideas, etc. Guess we'll just see how it all pans out..

I had an interesting conversation with my boss today. About infertility. We got on the subject because I was in her office with another co-worker who knows that my boss and I are unable to have children (her permanently, me (hopefully!) not permanently). He was asking us if there was ever a time when the doctors would suggest that we quit trying, etc. Anyways, the conversation went to all the people in the world who are able to have children and he was saying how it's crazy that here are two people (my boss and I) who want children so badly, but are unable to. Then there are all these other people who are, frankly, unfit to have children and care for them. I've heard of quite a few people that I went to highschool with that are either pregnant or have had children. These are the girls who haven't settled down, party all the time, and ended up getting pregnant with a dead beat boyfriend.. heck, they may not even be their "boyfriend". And the thing the keep advertising on their myspace pages is how they can't wait for the baby to be born, so they can go out and party again.

It just isn't fair.. and I know that life isn't fair, but really.

Yet, in all of this, I am at peace for now. Peace that I think it is a good idea for us to put it on hold. I need to get through school. Before, it wasn't much of a concern because graduation was a ways off and I could always go back. But now.. I have one semester left and clinicals.
I just hope that our plan works out in the end. I would love to be due in May, June, or July of 2009. Can things be a little easier for me? Can my wish please come true? I want things to go my way for once..

But for now.. I am content. I am happy.

My Head Hurts

I am sitting at my desk, taking a "smoke break". I don't smoke, but I figure that the smokers around this office take at least an hour of smoke breaks a day, so my 5 to 10 minute breaks here and there are just fine.
I'm listening to coworkers talk about 401k. It's that time of the month where it's time to move your money around, if you so chose. We pretty much all follow each other. It starts with the stock know it all of the company and travles down from one person to the next. If I really had the extra time, I would educate myself on the topic. But for the moment, I just go with the flow.. Some quarters are better than others, but I'm still young.. I've got time for it to rebound.
I'm meeting a couple of classmates tonight to study for a test we've got coming up in a week or so. I don't feel like going, but I'd feel bad backing out at the last moment. I honestly don't have much to bring to the table because I haven't had the extra time to study lately for this class. There are other assignments that take importance over this, for the moment. Not to say that I don't need to worry about this class.. because I certainly do! We're meeting at a restaurant and I wonder how long they will put up with us after we've eaten.. just sitting there, taking up space for their business, while we're studying.. But on the other hand, it shouldn't be too busy due to the fact that it's a week night. There was talk of staying for three hours, but I am planning on staying there for two hours, at the most. I'm just exhausted today.
5 more days.. 5 more school days.. not counting weekends or exam days. I get out on Wednesday.. and then have exams until the end of the month. May 1st will be my first, school free day of the summer! I will be free for 4 months!! I CANNOT wait.
I'm looking forward to having time to exercise and get into shape, go to the tanning bed to ultimately lay out at the pool, clean my house on a regular basis, and cook decent meals! Bring on the summer!

Is this what it's like to have kids?

Yesterday was a day of cleaning, laundry, and relaxing.. I had just pulled out the freshly dried sheets and comforter from the dryer and put them on the bed. We then went to bed.. I wasn't sleeping too good.. My allergies were bothering me, due to a day of gardening and hours outside, so I had running eyes, an even runnier nose, and a massive headache.
While drifting in and out of sleep, I was completely awaken by the sounds of heaving and gagging. Both of our dogs sleep with us and the bigger one had gotten sick. I quickly sat up to see if he was ok, at which time, he vomited not once, but twice all over the bed.. Need I mention, the freshly cleaned blanket. This wasn't just the typical spitty dog vomit.. It was nasty!
I quickly woke my Husband up and we stripped the bed and got a new blanket.. I then had to coax our dog back onto the bed to let him know that it was ok and that he wasn't in trouble.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep too well after that.. I woke up this morning with an even bigger headache and went into the living room to find that our other dog had thrown up as well.. Guess neither of them were feeling well.. Although I can't think of anything out of the ordinary that they ate yesterday. I then had to sit through an hour of class and then come into work.
Thankfully, it's pretty slow at work today.. But my boss has given me the task of planning a baby shower for a coworker. Needless to say, this isn't exactly what I'd like to be doing, since I don't want to be around babies or "baby" things.. Oh well.. I'll just suck it up and do it. My boss struggles with infertility and cannot have children at all, so I know it's hard for her as well to have to be involved in these activites as well. At least I've still got a chance at becoming pregnant.. Which I hope happen sooner, rather than later..
This is the first month that I will be tracking ovulation. This is our next step in the treatment process.. My doctor wants me to monitor and see if I can ovulate on my own over these next few months.. Let's hope that I do and that a pregnancy results! :)

FatFeet.com it is.

I have a pregnant co worker that sits near me.. She was complaining today about how her feet are swollen and she doesn't understand why they make maternity clothes, but not maternity shoes. I might add that I would typically not be annoyed at this, but since she complains about everything known to mankind, it has begun to grate on my ever loving nerves. If it's not heart burn, it's her back.. She's just "ready to get this kid out of her".
So, I smartly remarked on the fact that some people just have naturally fat feet and I wonder how they find shoes that fit them well? Her current shoes are too small so she has taken to wearing sandals and took one off today and couldn't put it back on.. So, I told her that I would make a website of maternity shoes. It shall be called FatFeet.com. And I will become rich because I got an idea from her constant complaining.

Lortab, my love...

I called my nurse the other day because I was having a lot of pain from my endo.. It has almost been unbearable. I've been going to bed the last few nights with my electric heat pad to help with some of the pain, but it didn't do too much. I'm expecting AF next week, and that is probably going to be hell. Last month's was, so I'm preparing for the same..
So, my nurse called in a presctiption of Lortab for me. I need to go and pick it up to have on hand. The thing that sucks is that I really can't take it at school or work.. but at least I'll have it to help me in the evenings..
You know.. if I could just get pregnant, I wouldn't have to be dealing with this! God.. do you hear me?

Get off your lazy ass and care for the children you created!

I swear, my upstairs neighbor annoys the hell out of me.. It's a very odd situation to begin with. From what we have gathered, I believe he recently went through a divorce and he moved in back in October/November. When he first moved in, we introduces ourselves and helped him bring in some furniture. But he only lives in the apartment on Saturdays.. literally only Saturdays. I guess that's when he gets custody of his kids because they come over Saturday morning and are here until Sunday morning.. He has a son who is about 4 and a daughter who is about 8. They are the loudest kids I have ever seen!!!
As I am typing this, they are currently running around upstairs and stomping like a herd of elephants! I am contemplating going up and knocking on his door, since this has been going on since he moved in.. We thought it would just take a while for the kids to adjust and get over the excitement, but nope.. Every Saturday this happens.. And every Sunday, I am woken up at the crack of dawn by the running and jumping and screaming..
Jesus, help me because I am about the lose my mind! It's a hard situation because if I go up there, I risk pissing him off and him just allowing his kids to continue to do what they always do.. But then again, that can't be much worse than what it currently is. Then the other side of me is telling myself to suck it up since they are only here on Saturdays. But seriously, is it fair to listen to a freaking herd of elephants pounding above me and making my walls rattle?!?
Ahhh.. Just when I get up the nerve and begin thinking about going up there to speak with him, the noise stops.. I just got up and glanced out the window and they have just now left. At least I'll have some peace and quiet for a little while.. but it's just a short fix. Maybe I will catch him when he arrives home again and can go outside and mention it to him "in passing". But reality is, by then my courage will be gone because I will not be annoyed because it has been quiet for awhile..

What the hell is your problem?!?!

My uterus is on fire and my ovaries are shooting baseballs into my abdomen.

It's kind of funny.. I had someone say to me today, "Sometimes, you look like you don't feel good." Well, truth be told, I don't. A good week for me is when I feel bad only a couple of times throughout the week. Sometimes I can control my endometriosis symptoms with a hot pack or something, but for the majority of the time, there's nothing I can do but ride it out. Some ask me what it's feels like.. Well, it's feels different, just depending on the day. Take menstral cramps and mutiple it by about 10. Your average medicine won't even touch that. Then refer to the first sentence of this blog. Yep.. talk about some pain there. Then imagine a knife being stabbed over and over again into your stomach... Those are just some of the pain feelings I experience.

I guess the thing that gets me is when people try to play up their sickness. We have one girl at work that is in a different building. One of my coworkers asked her how she was feeling one day because she had been out sick. Oh man, did that open the flood gates... Now, it's an everyday thing. She walks up here and once she gets to our department, her whole body manner changes into the sick mode. She mopes on over to drop off paperwork and stands around a moment with a look on her face like, "poor, pitiful me.. " You wanna know what this great ailment of hers is? She's trying to quite smoking! I kid you not.. One day I may just look at her and say, "What the hell is your problem?!" There are people out there with cancer and life threatening diseases and you're coming around here looking for pity for something so trivial in the grand scheme of things.

I may feel like complete and utter shit some days.. But I try my best to not let it show. I don't act all defeated and put on a poor me attitude. I deal with the pain, change my breathing patterns when needed to try and help with the pain, and push on through. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, so it makes me mad when you have someone who doesn't even technically have a health problem who is trying to milk people's sympathy.

My Hubby's coming home!

My Husband has been out of town for three days and he's on his way home now.. I've got about 2 more hours before I see him. It has been nice having some time to myself, but I miss him! It has just made me realize how empty my life would feel without him. We've only been married for a couple of years, but he is such a major part of my life and I couldn't imagine my life without him. This weekend I went and got stuff for Easter baskets for our boys (our doggies) and I also picked up stuff for a basket for him as well. He has not idea and will be surprised! :) We are also planning on having a nice dinner of marinated chicken breast (for him), baked potatoes, steamed broccoli, sweet rolls, and banana pudding for dessert. Yum!

I can't sleep...

It's almost 12:00am my time and I'm still up. I'm typically a go to bed at 9:00pm kinda girl, so this is a change for me. I'm already visited all of my typical websites, searched for old childhood friends on myspace, and flipped through the channels. I guess if this goes on much longer, I'll just have to make myself go to bed and hope that I end up falling asleep...

Ready for the week to be over..

I am drained. Physically and mentally exhausted. There's just so much going on and am just can't seem to be content in anything that I have tried to do this week. School. Work. Studying. Even writing this. I just have this constant anxious feeling. I am ready for the weekend to come. I'm so glad that I have Friday off from work. I need these three days to relax and focus on school work and nothing else. I plan to get a lot accomplished this weekend, yet still relax.

I want a baby.

I am having one of those days.. I want a baby. This isn't a new thing for me. It just seems like something that is unattainable at the moment and today is a hard day. I am ready to be pregnant. I am ready for the excitement of telling family. I am ready to find out if it's a boy or girl. I am ready to decorate the nursery. I have a confession.. When my Husband and I go out shopping, we often buy things for our nonexistant baby. That is how bad we both want this. I am having a bad day, but I also have hope that these next coming months and into the Summer will bring good news. I just have a feeling. Please, let this feeling be right. It's kind of funny because I have this day by day calendar that a coworker gave me for my birthday. It is a daily horoscope, which I don't really believe in, but I enjoy the quotes/sayings, etc. When I looked at today's, this is what it said:
"Hang onto whatever optimism you can muster. Active Mars in agreement with Mercury insists that if you decide that it's going to be a triumph, then by golly it will be."

So, is this a sign? :)

Quotes

I came across some quotes on a message board that I visit frequently. I believe that they are all beautiful:

“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.” Tom Krause

“Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” Winston Churchill

“You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” Epicurus

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." Martin Luther King Jr.

"The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next." Mignon McLaughlin

"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage." Lucius Annaeus Seneca

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." Franklin P. Jones

Courage is as often the outcome of despair as of hope; in the one case we have nothing to lose, in the other everything to gain." Diane de Poitiers