Big Day Tomorrow!

Well, I start my Fieldwork for school tomorrow. And I must admit, I am really nervous. I've been thinking about it for the last couple of days and each time I think about it today, I get a little flutter in my stomach. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited on one hand because this means I am that much closer to graduation.. But, since I've been out of school for the last three weeks and had time just to lounge around the house, etc. I'm nervous about jumping back into a school related thing. Not to mention that I will have my own case load of patients and be responsible for carrying out their treatments. Ahhhh... that is so much to take in!

I know that I can do it, but man, I am just super nervous. So, think about me tomorrow.. on my first day.. :)

Wow, I am really sick.

I haven't been this sick in a long time.. Chrisitan's had the whole coughing and congestion mess, so I thought that's what I was getting a couple of days ago.. But nope, I'm thinking I may have the flu. I feel like I have been hit by a Mac truck. My whole body aches, I have a headache, it feels like a fever, and my chest hurts so bad from congestion. Whatever it is, it sure is kicking my butt-- big time.
To top it off, we are only 2 days before Christmas and I have three appointments today- a bone density scan, a chiropractor appointment, and a dentist appointment. And none of these can be rescheduled because today is my last chance to do them all before I start my Fieldwork on Monday.
I'm trying to force some oatmeal down and then I'm going to take some medication.. I have a little over an hour before I have to leave..

Edited Plan

First off, I know my last post had, shall we say, some choice language? I had thought of later editing it to take out some of it, but decided not to. After all, this is my blog to record my feelings and my journey. Those were my feelings, so they are staying there.

Ok, so I had another phone call with the RE office today. We are going to wait until the first of June to start injectables and IUI. Realistically, there would be no way, with my upcoming school schedule, to make it to appointments for monitoring, etc.

So... here's the timeline.
-Christian graduates in March and will get another, higher paying job, which will help out IF fund.

-I graduate in mid May.

-We are planning a cruise to go on in mid May to celebrate our gradation on starting IF treatment.

-June: Head first into the treatments and hope we don't have to wait long to get pregnant.

I have 5 months until we start treatment. So, what's my plan? To eat better and start working out. To get in the best shape of my life. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. That's my plan.

My life fucking sucks.

So, I am having myself a pitty party and I, wholeheartedly, believe that I am entitled to it. I finally got a call back from the RE.

Not. Good. News. I don't know how much longer I have the strength to keep dealing with this.
And of course, I got off the phone and realized I didn't ask her some other important questions because I was basically in shock.

So... There is no way, no how that I will get pregnant without intervention. Ok, sure, we knew that. But I was told that there is also no way, no how that I will get pregnant by oral fertility meds. Nope, people, this Mama (or lack of) will not be a Clomid success story.

She wants me to go straight to injectables. Shots. And lots of them. And then she wants us to do the IUI with the injectables cycle. Price you may ask? Injectables- $3k a cycle. IUI- Oh, about another $2k with monitoring, etc. She also wants me to go and have a bone density scan and said that I would have to take additional, daily, shots throughout my pregnancy for the blood disorders that I have. I also need Estrogen as part of my treatment, but due to my blood disorders, I cannot have Estrogen given to me via medication.

What. the. Fuck. Why, on God's green Earth does my life have to be so hard?

Some may ask, am I being mellow dramatic? Nope. Not at all. Trust me, if you knew my life story, you would feel me. You would completely understand.

She wants me to stop the brain tumor medication because she said it is not delivering the hormones needed for me to start a period.. which goes with the whole thing that no pills are going to help me. But, the important question I failed to ask was, if I stop taking this medication, how the hell is my tumor going to continue to be treated?

Also, there is no way that I can do injectables right now... One, I don't have an extra $5k laying around (for one cycle!!) and two, I can't go in for monitoring each week with my Fieldwork schedule of leaving the house by 6:45am and not getting home until after 6:00pm, Monday thru Friday.

So, I'm going to call her back tomorrow (and will probably get charged for another phone consultation) and ask her what I need to do to treat this tumor and deal with my other issues until I can start injectables and do the IUI procedure, which won't be until May after I graduate.

I am one fucked up case, that's for sure. And those weren't the EXACT words of the Doctor, but they were pretty damn close.

Alrighty then...

It is now 4:37pm, with no call from the RE. I called the office and guess what? They close at 4:30. So, there's no one that I can speak to about it to see if she's going to talk with me about it today or what... I'm glad that I put Mason in his crate so that the house could be quiet, wrote out a list of questions, and have been sitting here for 45 minutes.

Ok, so here's the deal..

No COBRA it is. After thinking it through and listening to opinions, it didn't seem like the best option. Plus, I was able to get a phone consultation scheduled with the RE, instead of physically going into the office. So, that's fantastic. I don't have to worry about any "surprise" tests they want me to take right then and there. This way, if they want me to come in, I'll have to schedule it and know exactly what they want done and how much it will cost.

I am actually waiting on her call as I type.. They set the consultation for sometime around 4:00pm, so it should be any minute now. For some reason, I am strangly, very nervous and have a sick feeling in my stomach. I guess just the whole roller coaster of trying to figure out when I will actually start the fertility meds, how much it will cost, the monitoring involved with it, etc. Then, throw in the fact that my Fieldwork for school starts the week after next, which would prohbit any appointments during the day for 8 weeks. Then I have one week off and 8 more weeks following that. Kinda hard to be dealing with all of this infertility mess when I have no time to go in for monitoring, etc. So, this phone conversation is going to determine quite a bit when it comes to what our next steps are.. I wish she would call already before I throw up all over my keyboard from the nervousness.

Help me think logically

I posted this on some boards that I frequent, but can use any advice I can get. Here's the deal:

I just got off the phone with my fertility Dr's office and they want me to come in for another consultation, which could cost anywhere from $70-$300 just to physically sit down with the Dr. and talk to her about the furture plans and treatments.

Then, if they decide on blood work, it's $X amount (could run a few hundred dollars) and an ultrasound to check for cysts and my other issues (another few hundred dollars).
So, I'm running the chance of leaving that Dr. office with a bill of $900+ (which has to be paid that day before I walk out of the office). Or I could go and just talk to the Dr. and have bloodwork and only have a $300 bill to pay that day.

The problem is 1) that there is no way to know what the Dr. will want done. I have called the Dr.'s office several times and there is no way to know until the Dr. sits down and talks to me and then determines what (if any) additional tests she wants done that day.

2) I got layed off from work a few months ago. I just got a letter this week, saying that I can do COBRA insurance, which would cost me $300 a month. But, in order to reinstate it (which I can do the first of January), I would have to pay back payments since I got layed off and even though I techincally didn't have coverage. So, from 10/31. So, I'd have to pay November, December, and January, which is $900 and then $300 a month from there on out.

So... Do I risk NOT doing the COBRA and going to my appointment and it only being $300, which whatever amount it is, must be paid out of pocket that day... or do I pay the $900 to reinstate my old insurance, which ONLY CONVERS DIGANOSITC TESTING, but NO infertility coverage. Technically, I have already been diagnosed as infertile. But since, they have to do regular MRIs (brain tumor), blood tests (2 blood disorders), ultrasounds (check for cysts, etc.), and pap exams (tenderness associated with the endometriosis/cysts), they can code it as not being strictly for infertility. But, for how long this will fly, I have no idea.. and they can't tell me that either.

Plus, I don't know how much longer I can ride out them submitting it to insurance because best case scenerio, the tumor keeps shrinking, which will hopefully start my cycles back up, and I will start fertility meds, which no matter what are 100% out of pocket and that $900 can go towards that. And anything from that point on is infertility related and all is 100% out of pocket-- all tests, etc.

Ahhh... any advice? My brain hurts from trying to logically figure this all out.
I am so sick of all of this mess... This damn infertility mess sucks!!

The tumor shrunk!!

I got a call from the RE's office. The pituitary gland tumor has shrunk since the last MRI, which was about 4 months ago.

The last results showed that the tumor was 7 by 7. These results are now showing 3.8 by 6! So, it's shrinking.. Let's hope that it continues to shrink.. It sucks taking the medication because it makes me feel sick, but as long as it's working, I'll continue popping the pills! :)

New stuff happening

I bought a new (to me) car yesterday. It's a 2005 Ford Escape and I LOVE it! It's a really pretty blue color. The only cars that I have had are smaller ones- my Eclipse and my Civic. So, driving an SUV is a change, but I really like it. I'm a small person, so this makes me feel a little bigger. LOL

I meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow and am going to pick up our Christmas cards. I couldn't decide if I wanted to fool with them or not, but I worked on some photo cards and I think they'll turn out really good. Now comes the task of addressing all of the envelopes and actually getting them mailed out. There's also a few gifts that I need to go ahead and send out. I can't believe that Christmas is right around the corner!

I'm getting a little nervous about my MRI on Thursday. And just typing that reminded me that I need to call in another precription. I have been meaning to do that for a few days now and keep forgetting. So, I am now currently on hold with Walgreens..

Fantastic! She said that she will fax over a refill form to my RE. That was easy enough.

I've got to run by the school tomorrow and drop of some paperwork to be sent off to my fieldwork site. I need to do that before I go to lunch.

Thursday's going to be my busy day-- We are dropping Christian's car off at the shop to have the brakes done, then I'm going to my MRI that morning, then a chiropractor appointment, then we've got to go pick Christian's car up after he gets off work, and then I'm going to dinner with a friend! Talk about busy! :)

I also started painting our "extra" room. This will eventually be a baby's room, but for now, it's the guest room/work out room. I'm hoping to buy a treadmill soon to put in there, as I need to get into shape. We're also transforming one of the downstairs rooms into an "entertainment room" or as Christian's likes to call it, the "MAN CAVE". Yeah, ok.. whatever. LOL We're getting a big screen TV to put down there this weekend and he's putting up a surround sound.

We've got lots of little projects going on around the house, but have a finish date of 12/27. I start my Fieldwork that week, so things need to be in order!

On another note, Mason graduated from his first set of classes last night. He did great. We'll be starting the next set in a month or maybe a little more. It just depends on when the trainer starts another one, what day it's on, and where.

Guess this blog entry has gotten long enough. I'm waiting for Christian to get home from school so that we can watch some shows we have recorded.

MRI is scheduled..

..For next Thursday. They are going to see if the tumor has shrunk. When I spoke to my RE's Nurse, she said they suspect that I am going to be on the medication for a long period of time... which says to me that they don't have confidence that it has shrunk. :(

I'm really hoping that the MRI results show differently.

Today sucks.

Plain and Simple. Today totally sucks.

It's my birthday and doesn't feel "special" at all. DH has been at work all day and will be in class all night. I had to go to the Dr. this morning and then run some errands. I've been home working on a few last assignments before the semester ends. Guess that just happens as you get older.

I called to schedule my MRI.. and got the news that the medicine I am on for my brain tumor.. well, I thought that I would be done with it in 9 days.. Nope.. According to my RE, they think I am going to be on it for quite a long time. I will go for my MRI next week and see if the tumor has shrunk any. If it hasn't, I don't know what I am going to do. This whole infertility mess is really starting to take it's toll on me. I'm tired of feeling sick all the time, I'm tired of the mood swings, I'm tired of always feeling tired.... I do not feel like myself at all.

I was expecting a check today from an investment account I have. After fees and taxes were taken out, the check is $3,000 less than what I thought it would be. Needless to say, there's no point in really even having the amount of the check. It's not going to do much good.

Christian's company is not doing Christmas bonuses this year.. First year that they haven't done them. But, I would rather him be able to keep a job by them not doing lay offs.

I feel like I'm on the verge of tears.. I just don't know what to do. Since my accident, I am still waiting for things to be settled.. and since my car was totalled, I don't have a car. It's really hard sharing a car when my Husband works during the day, goes to school at night, and I am in school during the day. Not to mention that Mason has classes on Monday nights, I have Dr's appointments twice a week, and the other normal, day to day errands that need to be ran.

Ahhhhh.... And I have to leave here in an hour to take Mason to his class. It's freezing cold, rainy, and snowing on and off... And all I want to do is lay on the couch in front of the fireplace. But I can't even do that because my chimney needs to be cleaned out, so I can't light a fire for fear of burning my house down.

With the way my luck is going, I better not take any chances...