It's my birthday (in 40 minutes).

... And I am having a hard time. It'll be my my 24th birthday... This is the first birthday since I was 12 that I will not have my little parakeet, Kiwi to share it with. Yes, he was "just" a bird, but having him for almost 12 years... he was there as I grew up. He passed this August and I cried that day like crazy, but tonight, it has hit me again.. I am just so sad. I think that part of the reason is that my Papa bought Kiwi for me for my 12th birthday and he passed away this summer as well.

Plus, this birthday just marks another time in my life that I thought I would already have a child or be pregnant. I always knew I wanted kids earlier on.. This whole infertility thing is taking a toll on me and this birthday is just brining reminders that are making me sit here in bed and cry.

Plus, my birthday will be spent with pretty much just myself and the boys at home. I have some errands to run tomorrow morning and then I have to take Mason to his training class. Christian has his first class of his last quarter, so he can't miss it. He probably won't be home until late.. Maybe not until after I am already in bed..

Hopefully, I'll be feeling better when I wake up in the morning.

Doesn't this sound lovely?

I was doing a little research on the type of tumor that I have and ran across this discription on a site: "The pituitary gland is located in the middle of your head , below your brain and behind your eyes. She underwent surgery and the tumor was removed. The miraculous technique involved going up her nose and punching a hole into her brain cavity. The tumor was them sucked out."

Sounds fantastc, huh? While yes, I understand that there are worst procedures to have done than this, the thought that this may be a possibility for me makes me sick. I go for another MRI in about two weeks. And I really, really, really hope that for once in this entire TTC journey, something goes right for us. This tumor has got to shrink! After all, the medication has not been a walk in the park. For example, my little brother was staying the night last night (he's 15). I changed into pajamas and took my make-up off. I had made a comment earlier about how the medication has made my face break out a lot since being on it. When he saw me, he commented on it (not in a mean way or anything).. He then knew I was getting ready to take my medication and wanted to see it. He said, "Mom says it makes you feel like you have morning sickness all the time. What is morning sickness?" So, I explained it to him and said I basically feel like I have the flu from the time it gets into my system (about an hour after taking it) until about 10-11am the next morning. I've thrown up a few times as well. I'm not sure why the effects last as long as they do, but I can tell you I am ready for them to go away.

Morning sickness? Ahhh, Bring it on! I've dealt with this for three months straight.. At least there would be a positive outcome/reason for morning sickness!

What is success?

Sitting in a café for breakfast, I began working on a research project that I have for school. It’s one of my last major assignments of this semester…..

When I walked in, I noticed a girl that I went to high school with, many years back. She was always a “wild child” and as I sat behind her in class, I listened to her many stories of escapades.. the most vivid that I remember involved a wild week during spring break. She was always involved in some sort of drama and always seemed to be in some sort of trouble.. the issues seemed to always center around boys. The pictures of her in revealing clothes and every type of alcohol you can imagine littered the photos she shared.

And here… many years later, I see her working behind the counter at the café. She was always nice to me in high school, but we were total opposites. I don’t even think she recognized me and I didn’t let on that I remembered her. As I was waiting on my order, I wondered how her life had turned out.

I sat down and began working on my paper.. After being completely indecisive, I got up and ordered a bagel after I had already ordered a muffin. Finally, I really starting getting into reading the article I was doing research on.

I heard the door open and saw a little child come in. I didn’t notice who he came in with, but he was a beautiful child at the age of about two. Full of happiness and joy.. and he had many admirers here. Several greeted the boy as if they knew him. Then my old classmate came from behind the counter. She approached him and the little boy began following her as she straightened tables. He began to gallop and skip and she stopped to watch and smile at him. I couldn’t help but stare as she began to gallop in place with him as they laughed. The happiness they shared was wonderful to watch.

It seemed obvious to me that she was a single mother.. this boy’s mother. I found myself wondering how she came about to be in this place in her life and the hardships she had gone through. Was she what some would consider to be successful? Is the mold of being successful to go to college, marry, and have a corporate job?

What is success? It is measured by your economical status or is success dependent upon your happiness? If you live a meaningful, happy life, do these criteria’s alone make you successful? Seeing this today has solidified in me that success is measured by your own personal feelings.. it’s not what any other individual deems as successful. It’s what you feel inside.

I will probably never know concretely whether this child really is hers or not, but it just opened my eyes and gave me a moment to sit back to reflect and to think. And I always am appreciative of moments like these.

Jumping back in...

I used to frequent the TTTC board all the time when I was diagnosed with endometriosis (almost 2 years ago!).

There for awhile, I went through a phase where I was very anger and bitter about my IF and, ultimately, I had to take a break from all the baby boards (the TTTC board included).

Four months ago, I was diagnosed with a brain tumor on my pituitary gland, which has also added complications to my IF. I have been receiving treatment for this for the past few months and will be going in a few weeks for another MRI to see if the tumor has shrunk. If the tumor can be controlled and shrunk, there are hopes that I will begin to have monthly cycles again (after not having any for about a year and a half now).

I have hope that the MRI will show good news and that there will be a chance that we can even have a *glimer* chance of TTC by having a monthly cycle again. C and I both have IF issues, but we've got to get my cycles regulated/started before we can persue any further treatment.

I'm in a phase where I am feeling some hope and don't feel as sad, angry, and bitter when I see children.. We recently adopted a third dog, who has special needs, and I really think that as I spent the last couple of months nursing him back to health, it helped me to focus on something else and not to have every thought consumed with wanting a baby.

Plus, it's C's birthday today and it just made me realize even more how much I want to have a baby.. something about us getting older (my birthday is in two weeks) just makes me long for a baby even more.

So, it's time to jump back in.. I'm not going to let the baby thoughts consume me, as they did before, but I think that I will start to allow myself to dream again...

Is this necessary?

What the hell... My boobs are killing me. There are so sore and so heavy. They literally feel like they have gained a few pounds. Since we all know that I don't have menstrual cycles (and haven't in over a year and a half), this isn't it. And we all know equally as much that there is not a chance that it is a pregnancy.. And for those that are thinking.. "Well, you never know..." in that sing songy voice-- Cut the crap. :) I've taken a test and... waiting, waiting.. are you ready for it........ NEGATIVE. Just like I said. Not that I, at all, expected anything different.

So.. Here I am, wondering what the heck is making my boobs feel this way and wishing it would stop.

(What a way to update my blog after a long period of MIA.. yeah, I know.)